funny old week this one, I found myself not eating for 3 days, I just wasn't hungry, and feeling a little depressed but not enough to stop eating, still, there it was, in itself a PTSD symptom I read somewhere so there you go.
Then I started eating and my body was cramping for hours., and I'm running out of pills.
game-on.
Friday, 30 May 2008
Monday, 19 May 2008
Things that make every day different
Having had PTSD for so long it's hard to spot what is actually different in day to day life from other folks, but lets have a look...
Sleep - well, 'broken' springs to mind, followed by 'absent' and when I do sleep, I occasionally get a good 8 hours, often full of the most harrowing nightmares which can be either reliving something or something really nasty my mind made-up (as it has such great source material in my memory), either way I wake up shaken and traumatised, leaving me distant, shaken or fearful all day.
Memory - my short term memory is really fucked, I struggle to hold onto simple information, for example I recently made a softbox (photography thing) and when drawing out where to cut I measured x inches and then went to measure the same on the other side, literally a moment later, no idea what that x inches was. gone.
flashbacks - a loud bang, the smell of pork cooking, many many things Will set me off. What is a flashback? have you seen the first rambo movie? near the beginning when he's arrested and in the police station? that's what it's like.
sociability - turns out I don't socialise very well, tending to be quiet, disconnected and aloof, which is tricky given my work.
general fear and phobias - I live in London, crowded places are a bit scary as there could be anyone in that crowd with evil intent towards me, irrational but nonetheless there.
tube trains, how are you going to escape if it all goes wrong? answer - you are not. trapped. not a nice feeling. busses, when it's that crowded you really are at your most vulnerable.
cafe's and restaurants, I always sit facing the door and I am always aware of who's who in the room, who is being aware of the room, who may be carrying a weapon of any kind, who looks like they have a tendency for violence, which alternative exits there are, etc etc. it's fucking mad being me sometimes.
that's all I can think of right now, there is more for sure but my memory being what it is... you get the idea.
Sleep - well, 'broken' springs to mind, followed by 'absent' and when I do sleep, I occasionally get a good 8 hours, often full of the most harrowing nightmares which can be either reliving something or something really nasty my mind made-up (as it has such great source material in my memory), either way I wake up shaken and traumatised, leaving me distant, shaken or fearful all day.
Memory - my short term memory is really fucked, I struggle to hold onto simple information, for example I recently made a softbox (photography thing) and when drawing out where to cut I measured x inches and then went to measure the same on the other side, literally a moment later, no idea what that x inches was. gone.
flashbacks - a loud bang, the smell of pork cooking, many many things Will set me off. What is a flashback? have you seen the first rambo movie? near the beginning when he's arrested and in the police station? that's what it's like.
sociability - turns out I don't socialise very well, tending to be quiet, disconnected and aloof, which is tricky given my work.
general fear and phobias - I live in London, crowded places are a bit scary as there could be anyone in that crowd with evil intent towards me, irrational but nonetheless there.
tube trains, how are you going to escape if it all goes wrong? answer - you are not. trapped. not a nice feeling. busses, when it's that crowded you really are at your most vulnerable.
cafe's and restaurants, I always sit facing the door and I am always aware of who's who in the room, who is being aware of the room, who may be carrying a weapon of any kind, who looks like they have a tendency for violence, which alternative exits there are, etc etc. it's fucking mad being me sometimes.
that's all I can think of right now, there is more for sure but my memory being what it is... you get the idea.
Wednesday, 7 May 2008
Weird Sh!t .com
Well I thought I had this nightmares thing sussed out, go to bed around 3am, have shit dreams, wake up around 6, 9, 11, whatever and get the fuck out of bed right away and distract myself for the day, hopefully forgetting the horrors of the nightmares and getting on with my day, until the next night.
But recently I've gone back to sleep after the usual 'get up' moments and I've had the fucking weirdest vivid fuckedup dreams, but not nearly as terrifying as usual. Something interesting this way comes.
In other news, all the shit that my mind has been processing trying to get some perspective on my scars manifested itself physically, I was just feeling some closure on the scars thing and bang, headaches from hell, acid indegestion to the point of puking and zero appetite for a comple of days combined with stress headaches due to the muscles in my neck going crazy. had a couple of days of that and now back to normal.
sometimes what works through the mind can burst out into the body.
anyway, I'm still occasionally sitting with my back to the door in cafe's and resteraunts and I even got on an underground train without feeling like the world was ending again recently. hurrah!
But recently I've gone back to sleep after the usual 'get up' moments and I've had the fucking weirdest vivid fuckedup dreams, but not nearly as terrifying as usual. Something interesting this way comes.
In other news, all the shit that my mind has been processing trying to get some perspective on my scars manifested itself physically, I was just feeling some closure on the scars thing and bang, headaches from hell, acid indegestion to the point of puking and zero appetite for a comple of days combined with stress headaches due to the muscles in my neck going crazy. had a couple of days of that and now back to normal.
sometimes what works through the mind can burst out into the body.
anyway, I'm still occasionally sitting with my back to the door in cafe's and resteraunts and I even got on an underground train without feeling like the world was ending again recently. hurrah!
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