Something rotten in the state of my mind

I don't know if it's the tougher schedule I've just taken on or another unknown trigger but I've just entered a new batch of sh1t dreams, of the wake-up-in-terror variety, followed by a screwy memory in the daytimes.

more later if I get any more insight...

Poppies and Fireworks

This is the time of year when everyone wears a red poppy in the great and just rememberance of our glorious dead (not my choice of words, I've seen alot of dead and among the many words I could use descriptively 'glorious' is not one of them), so this is the itme of year when such 'dead' are on my mind, those who died beside me and those who died at my hand, as well as the many many others.

This has one predictable affect, flashbacks, remembering these people and their 'passing' reminds me of the violence and ugliness associated with it. result = flashbacks.

This is also the time of year when every shop in the street is selling pyrotechnics to 10-year-olds, yes, fireworks season. which means every street in every town is alive with the sound of fireworks, the result = flashbacks.

This is some seriously crappy timing, someone somewhere is having a fecking larf.

violence

I remember the day I discovered violence.
I was periodically bullied at school, what with being the skinny ginger kid, and I had made a point of lifting weights to try and get away from the skinny thing, after about 6 months of lifting I had enough self confidence to turn around to a bully and attack him instead, hard, fast and violently.
I had discovered violence and it made the bad things go away.

When I was 17 and in the army, only just, I was on a late-night patrol and we saw some guys down by the fence in a dark corner, as-per procedure we shouted a warning and their reply was gunfire and I fired back, later we found a body, I killed a man and I was only 17, and you know what? serves the stupid cunt right, shoot at a soldier, what the hell do you expect?

My exemplary performance in the technicalities of getting so many bullets into a man at that range, in the dark, under fire, caught the attentions of a group of people who I spend the next three years with doing the most interesting work the army had to offer, also the most dangerous. I didn't apply to join them, they found me. the day violence discovered me.

Later, and still, I feel many things about the people who died at my hands. my rationale says that they put on a uniform and/or they carried a weapon and they ought to know that is enough to put you in mortal danger. my emotions say that I am responsible for a number of deaths and a greater number of greiving families.

I recently drove past, several times, that place where I first killed a man, I expected a crash of emotions, I only felt two. one was a sadness both at the death and at the violent path I went down because of it. the other was 'stupid cunt shouldn't have been shooting at a soldier'.

Drugs Maaaaan

Saw my doc yesterday and she's happy for me to try reducing my meds. when I say 'happy' I mean I told her I'm going to and at the third attempt she kinda said ok.

Let the games begin!

Edit: well that didn't fucking work...... bugger.

A bowl of rice

Pretty innocent stuff rice, a simple dried grain that you rehydrate and eat, except I'm crap at cooking brown rice.

I have a bad habit of not chewing my food enough, my partner mentions it often, just a bad habit, today I remembered why.

I was eating a bowl of not-quite-cooked brown rice today, it took alot of chewing and after a few minutes my jaw ached, really ached, why? probably due to having it broken and not reset quite right, these things happen when your car is blown off the road in bosnia and you wake-up having the crap kicked out of you.

not a nice memory, thats why it hurts to chew too long, thats why I can't open my mouth very wide, thats why I don't usually chew my food enough.

good game.

Funny old week

funny old week this one, I found myself not eating for 3 days, I just wasn't hungry, and feeling a little depressed but not enough to stop eating, still, there it was, in itself a PTSD symptom I read somewhere so there you go.

Then I started eating and my body was cramping for hours., and I'm running out of pills.

game-on.

Things that make every day different

Having had PTSD for so long it's hard to spot what is actually different in day to day life from other folks, but lets have a look...

Sleep - well, 'broken' springs to mind, followed by 'absent' and when I do sleep, I occasionally get a good 8 hours, often full of the most harrowing nightmares which can be either reliving something or something really nasty my mind made-up (as it has such great source material in my memory), either way I wake up shaken and traumatised, leaving me distant, shaken or fearful all day.

Memory - my short term memory is really fucked, I struggle to hold onto simple information, for example I recently made a softbox (photography thing) and when drawing out where to cut I measured x inches and then went to measure the same on the other side, literally a moment later, no idea what that x inches was. gone.

flashbacks - a loud bang, the smell of pork cooking, many many things Will set me off. What is a flashback? have you seen the first rambo movie? near the beginning when he's arrested and in the police station? that's what it's like.

sociability - turns out I don't socialise very well, tending to be quiet, disconnected and aloof, which is tricky given my work.

general fear and phobias - I live in London, crowded places are a bit scary as there could be anyone in that crowd with evil intent towards me, irrational but nonetheless there.
tube trains, how are you going to escape if it all goes wrong? answer - you are not. trapped. not a nice feeling. busses, when it's that crowded you really are at your most vulnerable.
cafe's and restaurants, I always sit facing the door and I am always aware of who's who in the room, who is being aware of the room, who may be carrying a weapon of any kind, who looks like they have a tendency for violence, which alternative exits there are, etc etc. it's fucking mad being me sometimes.

that's all I can think of right now, there is more for sure but my memory being what it is... you get the idea.